The Style Invitational Week 901 Dead letters
By The Empress
Saturday, January 1, 2011;
Edwin Newman, grammarian:
Edwin Newman past away
But if he would of seen this rhyme,
He'd of crawled right out of his dark
grave
And died a second time.
On this first day of 2011, we
pause a moment to look back at those we lost in 2010 - and to write funny poems
about them. It's our eighth annual Dead Letters (or Post Mortems) contest:
Write a humorous poem about someone who died in 2010, as in the example above
by Washington Post Resident Elegist-in-Doggerel Gene Weingarten. It doesn't
have to rhyme, though good rhymes tend to be funny. Short poems are more likely
to get ink in the print paper, but especially good longer ones will get virtual
ink on washingtonpost.com. Song parodies are not forbidden. There are many
lists of "notable deaths 2010" and such online.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Flarp Noise Maker,
a little nothing machine the size of a yo-yo on which you push buttons to
create various electronic noises, ranging from froglike to sick cat. The whole
thing sounds kind of anemic, actually. Donated quietly by Dave Prevar.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries
by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Jan. 10. Put "Week 901" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 30. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised
title for next week's results is by Brendan Beary; the honorable-mentions
subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.
Report from Week 897, in which we asked you to "translate" a sentence appearing
in The Post into "plain English"; we also allowed the occasional
not-really-a-translation if it was funny enough. Funny can trump a lot in
Invite Land.
The winner of the Inker
Sentence in The Post:
"The positions the Obama administration is taking today are not the
traditional positions of most Democrats."
Plain English: They're trying
out alternatives to "fetal." (Danny Bravman, Chicago)
2 the winner of the turkey
carcass hat: "If you are out and about in a kilt, then remember to show
some decorum."
PE: And decorum is the only
thing you'd better be showing. (Dion Black, Washington)
3 "Our biggest sweater
sale of the year!"
PE: "Nobody bought our
sweaters!" (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
4 Obama: "Our success
depends on our willingness to engage in the kind of honest conversation and
cooperation that hasn't always happened in Washington."
PE: "We're doomed."
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
A B in PE: Honorable mentions
"I'm absolutely a person
who has not let ego run amok," Winfrey says.
Plain English: ". . . as
you will learn in this month's article about me in my personal magazine, O, and
on several shows premiering on the Oprah Winfrey Network." (Jeff Brechlin,
Eagan, Minn.)
"We clearly have to
continue to provide the message to the Afghan people about why we're here and
what it is that we want to do," Petraeus said.
PE: "Can somebody tell
me why we're here and what it is that we want to do?" (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase)
Buy your next BMW with zero
down, and no processing fee.
PE: Please, please, for the
love of God, buy one of our ^%&% cars! (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
This is a show about being a
disaffected, emotionally scarred New Yorker.
PE: This is a show about
being a New Yorker. (Kevin Dopart)
Richard Nixon, discussing
various ethnic groups on a recently released tape: "I've just recognized
that, you know, all people have certain traits. . . ."
PE: Mine is that I'm a sleazy
bigot. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
Obama: "As much as the political
wisdom may dictate fighting over solving problems, it would be the wrong thing
to do."
PE: "There was no way I
was going to win this fight." (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge)
Rick Santorum: "Things
are happening that maybe give me the impression that maybe I need to look at
this seriously."
PE: "For crying out
loud, even I would make a better president than Sarah Palin!" (Trevor
Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
Despite a performance by
helmet-haired tweener heartthrob Justin Bieber and pop star Katy Perry, this
year's Grammy Nominations Concert plunged in the ratings.
PE: Because of a performance
by helmet-haired tweener heartthrob Justin Bieber and pop star Katy Perry. . .
(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Friday's memo states that
workers and contractors must "use government information technology
systems in accordance with agency procedures so that the integrity of such
systems is not compromised."
PE: We thought we told you
guys to lay off the porn. (Edward Gordon, Austin)
Senators always have expected
time to debate issues.
PE: Senators always have
expected time to debate nonissues. (Danny Bravman)
The tax deal "offers the
best prospect that was available for achieving the kind of escape velocity that
we've been seeking for the past two years."
PE: "We hope to escape
being murdered in the next election." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Redskins Coach Mike Shanahan:
"I'm not exactly sure at this time exactly what we're going to do or what
direction we're going to go."
PE: "I'm exactly sure
that we don't know how to win." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Washington football fans are
a pretty sophisticated bunch.
PE: Only the finest hog-snout
masks will do. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Horoscope: What someone
considers beautiful might not be your cup of tea, and that's something you can
keep to yourself.
PE: It's never a good idea to
start a sentence with "Yo mama." (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Take any sentence from an
article or an ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com from Dec. 3 to
Dec. 13 and translate it into "plain English." PE: Read vast sections
of The Washington Post, especially the advertisements, extremely carefully for
10 straight days. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale)
Next week: Clue us in, or Foretell it to the judge
Unspun heroes:
More 'plain English' from Week 897 of The Style Invitational
Rep. Charles Rangel: "I
leave here knowing that everyone knows I'm an honest guy."
Plain English: "Everyone
knows I'm no more crooked than most of you." (Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
"We are looking for
self-motivated individuals with lots of energy who enjoy working in a team
environment."
PE: "We are looking for
desperate pushovers who'll put up with loads of crap for practically
squat." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
"If we did wear
underwear, it would be made of, like, twigs," he said.
PE: "Because, as a
group, we're really stupid," he stopped short of saying. (Russell Beland,
Fairfax)
8 tablespoons (3 sticks)
unsalted butter, at room temperature.
PE: By "sticks of
butter" we mean "sticks of butter one-third the size of real sticks
of butter." (Kevin Dopart) (The recipe was later corrected to "12
tablespoons (1 ½ sticks).")
Sign up to see what your
friends recommend.
PE: It beats talking to them.
(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Nationals General Manager
Mike Rizzo: "Did we go an extra year and another $18 million beyond
anybody else? Yeah, we did. I'm not ashamed."
PE: "Hey, it's not my
money." (Roy Ashley, Washington)
"This is a one of a kind
property and is obviously very secluded," the listing says [for the
Unabomber's land in Montana].
PE: "This property is
tailor-made for the discerning paranoid agoraphobic psychopath." (Nan
Reiner)
Columnist Michael Wilbon:
"I can only hope, as I leave for my own personal gain with a full-time career
with ESPN, that the men who shepherded my career don't regret granting all
those opportunities over the years."
PE: "Suckers!"
(Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
Cable industry executive Kyle
McSlarrow: "A usage-based pricing model, for instance, might help spur
adoption by price-sensitive consumers at the lower end of the socioeconomic
ladder."
PE: "We want poor people
to spend more money on us." (Nan Reiner)
Werth was undaunted by
playing for Washington, in part because of a meeting with the Lerner family.
PE: Werth liked the blank
check. (George Vary, Bethesda)
Car ad: Need a second chance?
PE: Want to make the same
mistake twice? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Columnist John Kelly: Several
readers wrote in after Monday's column to say that they, too, had seen my
beaver.
PE: The censor-editors
evidently had the day off yesterday. (Craig Dykstra)
Mrs. Johnson traded a
lifetime of anonymity for one moment of indelible notoriety.
PE: One moment?!! Style
Invitational entrants will be doing money-in-bra jokes for years! (Craig
Dykstra)
The headline for this supplement is by Kevin Dopart.